Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, but from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
